2021 in Reflection
I’m concluding 2021 with an epic conflict between my wife, my mother, and me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. I see just how far I’ve tread this path to peace and just how much I’ve yet to go. I close my eyes and feel the endless well of love in my spiritual heart, commingled with the suffering I’ve manifested myself and the acceptance of this precious moment.
I celebrate how I showed up, offering love and compassion through active listening and intimate presence. I am also grateful for the lessons I reflect on: that the very act of trying to change them is in itself a non-acceptance of who they are; that everyone just wants to be heard, seen, and feel safe to express their authentic selves; and that true love is to polish my mirror of my own judgments so that I can reflect upon them what they get to see in themselves.
A year ago, I guided my mother through psychedelic therapy and wrote “Finding My Mother Waiting For Me” (https://austinmao.medium.com/finding-my-mother-waiting...) — a reflection of how our spiritual paths finally intersected. I finally opened my eyes to see that the teachings of Jesus Christ — whom I challenged for so long as the figurehead of religion — are fundamentally the same as what I have witnessed in my own healing journey. I caught a glimpse of the path out of suffering: to accept all that is, to feel love and gratitude for all the pain I’ve experienced in my life, and to celebrate every moment for the infinite majesty made manifest.
2021 has in many ways been a continuation of my path to peace. It was also a tectonic shift of my mind, body, and soul as I created the most extraordinary challenges of my life to direct me into integrity and humility. I specifically use the phrase, “I created”, because I see now that I am responsible for it all — the exhaustion, the blood, the scars, the broken ankle; and also the tears of joy, the moments of revelation, the brotherhood, and the exuberance of touching the God Within. I create all the obstacles for me to confront my fears, all the tension for me to discover where I am out of integrity, and all the harmony that is my reward for following the Way of the Superior Man (https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man.../dp/1622038320).
I want to share three major insights that guide me into 2022.
1. Everyone is experiencing their own reality and I get to honor their experience with deep acceptance, love, compassion, and humility. I used to use every tactic of persuasion available to assert my logic and intentions in conflicts with my wife. I would refuse to hear her or bully her into silence, leading her and me to individually stuff more emotions into the pressure chambers of our hearts. I played the victim so perfectly, thinking that I could find harmony if only I had a partner who was more understanding or calm. It was only through taking responsibility for the projections of my energy and cultivating loving awareness, patience, and acceptance did I set up the environment for which we could both find the safety to be vulnerable. I now know that the primary need of everyone’s soul is to be heard, seen, and able to express their authentic selves because their experience is fully their reality. True empathy means that I get to honor every outburst as I would a child’s cry for love. True compassion means that I get to hold my wife in her moments of greatest pain even as I feel hurt, because she cries from wounds deeper than the present minutiae. True love means service: that I get to humble myself knowing that we are all on our journey, and that my role is to project my love to guide all those around me back to the self-love at the core of who they are.
2. Releasing expectations in service of presence, acceptance, and gratitude are the keys to peace and harmony. Ram Dass says that suffering is the opposition (non-recognition) of reality. I used to sit in my car and wish for less traffic, or be in the presence of wealthy entrepreneurs and wish I had started a tech company, or be estranged from my wife and wish for more understanding. Now, I see that I have been and always will be the architect of my own suffering when I do not accept the “is-ness” of reality. By being present, activating the observer/meditator mindset, and then deeply accepting all that is, I have discovered the fountain of peace that lay beyond the wasteland of noise in my mind. I combine responsibility for my feelings with a knowing that all challenges are opportunities to feel gratitude for every moment. I remember when I broke my ankle, my first thought was, “well, this is a sign from the universe that I get to stay grounded.” Then, as time rolled by, I felt appreciation for the experience because my immobility plus the extraordinary relationship challenges of the time led me into meditation and my spiritual journey. Now, I reflect upon every moment making me who I am today, and know that every moment from now on — filled with beauty or pain — will lead me to the man that I will be in the future.
3. My purpose in life is to be a teacher, not from a place of “holier than thou”, but from an embodiment of love, grace, and humility. At the last 1Heart (www.1heart.com), I grokked so fully that living my Instagram life of travel and hedonism was an escape from my true calling. I saw how my fear of failure stemming from my inner critic voice of unworthiness kept me from achieving my full potential. I realized that I have a gift stemming from my early childhood: a gift of synthesizing the consciousness journey into words… a gift of organization and expression. I once acted the role of teacher atop a mountain, thinking I knew better than others and wanting to save others. I then rebelled against my intuition by labeling this savior complex as bad — the antithesis of humility and a wall that divided me from my fellow brothers and sisters. Now, as I come into great alignment with my own Inner Truth, I see that the greatest joy I have is in the sharing of my journey to help others clarify their own. I remember one of my earliest memories when I was maybe 4 years old, consoling my mother by singing a made-up song as she cried from a break-up. This is who I am, and my path to purpose is strewn with the ditches of hubris, ego, and selfishness that I get to overcome. I accept my purpose, my gifts, and my challenges — all of which I am so grateful for.
I am so grateful for 1Heart, which has been my platform for incredible growth. I am so grateful for my wife, who has challenged and supported me to become the man that I am. I am so grateful for the deep bonds I’ve made this year and all the soul connections I’ve gotten to share. I am so grateful for my mother, who gifted me my life and capacity for love. And finally, I am so grateful for this human life, for all its sweet and sour, for all the sunrises and sunsets that have guided me to the man that I am.
2022: here I come, filled with purpose, love, peace, and joy.
