The Essence of I
Last Sunday, I sat in an ayahuasca ceremony. It was the first of three over the next four days that would be the most challenging and impactful experiences of my life. This is the first of three blogs revealing my experience as part of my own integration.
I began my first ceremony with the intention of “surrender”... a motif that I have embraced over and over again in my spiritual path towards letting go of my beliefs and identity. As the sacrament started to ferry me into the depths of my spirit, I felt great gratitude and bliss. I had a smile on my face from ear to ear, with tears streaming down my eyes reflecting on all that I've experienced as suffering before. I felt so grateful for it for all the paths and winding roads that led me to where I am now.
Then, I started to ask myself, “what am I missing?” You see… I have this position in my spiritual worldview that there must be a truth that I'm ignoring if I am in a state of suffering or non-peace. While I've been in the most peaceful, inspired, and grateful state than I ever have, I recognized that my outwards experience of life–my business, service, and relationships–is not perfect. I realized that I can continue to have a greater clarity of my Inner Self.
Thus, I started to probe inwards on who I am–this feeling of I within me–this inner essence, this inner light, the sensation of my soul… more than just a thought or identity of what it is to feel my Self. I recognized that this felt sense of I lodged in my chest didn’t feel 100% clear. I could still feel uncertainty. The essence of me was clouded by some remaining fear, some pride or falsehood, that that then projects out into the world as uncertainty and non-clarity. I understood how my leadership of Ceremonia and position as a business leader in the world at large has been tempered with some disorganization and its purpose obfuscated.
My egoic mind raced through todo lists, projects, deadlines, and relationships. The witness of my conscious awareness observed that I was trying to “solve” a problem. I spent an hour teetering between suffering that my mind was in the future and the inner Knowing that the path of surrender was to allow the medicine to work within me in the present. As I finally settled into stillness–into the place of trust within me that I could be with what is–I allowed ayahuasca to guide me to revelation. In the stillness, I began to understand that my creations in the outer world are a projection of my lack of clarity within.
From that realization, I returned back to a state of bliss. I could surrender my shame. I’ve been trying my best. I could feel gratitude for this beautiful medicine, for the path of my life to continue the Inner Work to become a better man. I could feel the essence of me purifying, solidifying into a state of Knowingness. I could feel the power that I have inwards stabilize, like a fusion reactor harmonizing with the magic of the universe. I could trust that this Inner Power, the manifestation of Truth within me, would project out to the world. I could surrender my fear of scarcity, of incompleteness, of the need for validation, of the protector of pride. I could allow myself to be me unapologetically, knowing that the universe will be attracted to spiritual clarity.
I laughed. My blissful beginning that moved into resistance and suffering concluded as I knew it would if I would just surrender more and more: with revelation and the essence of my life, this beautiful life, being filled with gratitude. Then, I danced.
